"You have to appreciate her, and not be lazy about it; don't think of it as a chore but as a blessing, a blessing that you have the opportunity make her smile. Now, how you go about doing this is important, very important actually. This is where not being lazy comes into play, so pay attention - you can not half-ass what you say to her. . . your goal is to leave her speechless. You want to say something so genuine, so shocking and so kind that it whisks the air out of the room taking her breath away. This is a complicated thing to do, so you need to write this down, maybe stop doodling on your paper and try to keep up. The key to this, to making sure that she spends every minute of her life thanking some omnipotent power that you're in her life, is speaking from the heart. . now I know this makes me sound like a corny cautionary tale but it's a little more complicated than you think. When I say 'speak from the heart' I mean don't over-think it, don't plan what you are going to say; you have to let it flow, let the words, the truest feelings of your heart channel out of you like a river. So, let's put this to the test.", he stood up from leaning against his desk, smiled at us then walked around to the backside of the desk and reached deep into the bottom right drawer - out of sight for a moment, he then popped back up with a long blonde wig flowing down to his mid-back. You know, I don't think I've ever seen a large, well dressed man in a beautiful blonde hairstyle like that before. "Now, let's see what you've got!", he walked quickly with a sense of purpose towards the front row. He began to scan the crowd, "You, lord of the rings. . .", he gestured towards the heavy set white guy up front, his large glasses and worn copy of "The Hobbit" on his desk screamed virginity but then again, who am I to talk? ". . . impress me, here's the situation - I'm your pretty little girlfriend, Denice, we just got back from a lovely night on the town and we're standing at my apartment door saying goodnight, now, take my breath away!" embarrassed and confused, he slowly stood and let out a faint,
"Well uh. . ."
"Wrong!"
"What?"
"Okay, I'm going to call you Baggins from now on - you said 'Uh' Baggs, it wasn't genuine! You hesitated, but don't worry about it, we'll work on it." Baggins sat down again and our teacher started to pace across the room for his next contestant, looking intently to the back of the room - "Woah, Lennie!", the back row turned to look at each other to clarify who he was speaking to, "You! the one who's built like a house", the larger guy in the middle of the row furrowed his eyebrows in confusion, "Lennie? Of Mice & Men? No? Alright, well if you haven't read that by now then I think you never will - it's you're turn big fella, dazzle me",
"I. . . I don't know, I'm sorry", he slanted his head down in embarrassment.
"Hey hey hey, that's okay, we can work through this together - lets start with the basics, compliment me on something, how about my hair?"
"You're hair looks like. . .", he scratched his head like an ape, searching for what to say, then all of a sudden his eyes lit up, ". . .spaghetti!", he said with a big grin on his face; the teacher stared at Lennie and sighed; walking back to the front of the room with his hands covering his face, he spoke muffled through his fingers, "Alright guys, one more try", I slowly slid down in my seat to avoid his gaze, he began walking to the other side of the room and I was in the clear, "Key lesson guys, don't try to hide from me - you, Goldberg!", he pointed right at me while laughing,
"Goldberg sir? my name is Wyatt"
"Well Wyatt, I'm going to call you Goldberg because you look like the son of a Jewish accountant" He chuckled to himself and scratched his neck beard, "Alright, impress me Bergie", we sat in silence for a few moments, ". . . but sir, it's hard to do this when I'm looking at you, I have no romantic feelings for you."
"Fine, call me Tina if you want, Rochelle, Gertrude it doesn't matter just call. . .", I cut him off right there, "How about Gwynn?"
"Sounds good to me", he stood there in front of me with his arms folded, I closed my eyes to picture her smiling -
"A beacon of light, cleansing me in my darkest hours, your smile will forever be the saving grace in my life. . . I'm sorry, that was stupid. ."
"No, it wasn't - that was a damn good start; that right there," he began pointing at me aggressively while grinning, ", that's what it's all about boys. So here we are, now I'm sure some of you saw this class on the electives list and said, 'hey, easy A' but this is what class will be; working through the social nuisance that is, love. So welcome - this is your class and I'm your professor - my name is Frank Reemer, but you can call me Reems. Welcome to Hopeless Romance 101"
